Saturday, July 16, 2011

Early mid-life crisis

Warning, mostly not gaming related, semi-sober post incoming.

Ms. 'Splostion man continues to be excellent, but even a beer or three's delay of reflexes is enough to nudge it from difficult to physically impossible. After surrendering for the ending I sat staring at my eclectic movie collection for a few minutes, contemplating how to spend the rest of my evening. Getting drunker and being entertained were both in order, and thus there was only one option: The Wall.

I have a history of watching Pink Floyd's The Wall without warning while in varying degree's of drunkenness. This started with my first exposure in college and has continued on a semi-regular business ever since. It had been quite a while this time around, so getting blindingly drunk was not in the cards. I knew I wanted to watch it, but I could not remember why, so being at least cognizant of my urges seemed appropriate. I will not attempt to explain the movie; either you have seen it sober and don't understand, seen in while your consciousness has been altered in some way and think you understand, or you have not seen it and need to get off my damn lawn. For me the whole movie builds to one line right in middle, a line that speaks directly to me in a way that I am hesitant to admit to anyone, myself and faceless internet denizens included.

'I have a strong urge to fly
but I've got nowhere to fly to.'

...

More than a few minutes have passed and I do not know how to articulate what is in my head. I want something, and I know that I want it, but I do not know what it is. Perhaps that is why I am constantly trying to lose myself in other peoples' worlds; I hope that they have found whatever it is that I need and are willing to share it.

It never works, and the  subconscious search continues.

I have had more than my share of opportunities and possibilities in my life. I could have been a musician, or a music teacher, or a retail big wig, or the head of IT for a law firm, yet I do what I do know because it is relatively easy and affords me the time to... what? Wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing? Seems a bit circular and pointless to me, but arguing with myself while buzzed and fresh off The Wall is a bad idea. Tomorrow the daily pattern will return and I will play Ms. 'Splosion man or the new warhammer shooter or just maybe Street Fighter again, all the while hoping that the next thing is the last thing that I have been looking for.

Right now all I need is sleep.

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