Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Intervention

Researchers note: it has been over a year since the last interactions with scrub #1. The intervening months saw him purchase Mortal Kombat, sell it, purchase and download the AE expansion to Street Fighter 4, sell it, and re-purchase again. He has also obtained the most recent King of Fighters titles, which he played twice and still owns, because, in his words: 'The box art is pretty sweet' and this past week purchased Street Fighter X Tekken. Scrub #1 presents all the classic symptoms of a victim of spousal abuse, returning over and over to the abuser thinking it will improve and sinking into depression and self blame when it does not.

Scrub #1's experience with Street Fighter X Tekken may very well have been doomed from the start for the following reasons:

  1. His main character from the games previous versions (Blanka) is not available in the games current form. While the character is actually present on the disc it has been locked away. The game publisher is reserving the right to charge more for said content at a later date. (note: this is an excellent idea to obtain further funding for our studies)
  2. Half of the cast in Street Fighter X Tekken is totally unfamiliar to Scrub #1. While he does have some experience with Tekken ('I played a lot of Tekken 5 at work when no one was looking'), their play style has little in common with their 3D counterparts.
  3. Scrub #1's play style in Street Fighter 4's various versions is best described as cautious and reactive. ('Down back erryday, bitches!' was the best explanation he was able to provide). This style is of little use in Street Fighter X Tekken, as the game focuses on offensive pressure.
Knowing all of this Scrub #1 willingly subjected himself to a task that he had little hope of being successful with. He also took a week off of the game right after it came out to play Mass Effect 3 (note, Scrub #1 describes the ending to Mass Effect 3 as 'balls,' holding with popular opinion). Upon his return he was initially surprised with his poor performance, but to his credit avoided the pattern of violent outburst followed by impulsive return of the game. Scrub #1 made an honest effort to improve, doing research on characters abilities and shortcoming, even changing his second character at least. (Note: Scrub #1 is not very good at choosing characters. His settling on Paul as his second should be considered a significant cause of what follows.)


Last night, his resolve faltered, and after a savage beating by what he described as a 'ten year old fucker beating the controller on his ass' he quit the game and went to bed. Judging from his previous irrational behavior this pattern will continue for one to three more days before culminating with objects of reasonable weight and size being hurled about the room. It is this observers opinion that the study should be brought to a halt and an intervention held. Scrub #1 is clearly not going to improve and he lacks the will power to bring the cycle to a stop on his own. It is in the best interest of him, his surroundings, his pets and his possessions that all fighting game titles, books and paraphernalia be confiscated immediately, not to be returned.

Several cases of Guinness may be required, but Scrub #1 should eventually cave.

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