Monday, December 3, 2012

Tissues not included

Yahtzee has a term for set piece heavy, linear action titles: spunk gargle wee wee. It is a very not subtle way for calling such games masturbatory; after all the smoke, mirrors and fantasies fade away all you have left is what is in your hand. Perhaps a controller, perhaps something else. I don't disagree, but I also do not see this as a "bad thing". Call of Battlefield: War Fighter 2 games are the digital equivalent of roller coasters: lots of screaming, perhaps some vomiting, and you end up just where you left off. They don't pretend to be anything more in their single player campaigns, the player knows exactly what he or she is getting, so if you don't like it stop bitching.

Thus ends my defense of modern shooters. There are certainly problems with them, ranging from regenerating health to trying much too hard to be 'realistic' to the point where the fun begins to disappear, but as a whole they can be counted on for a few days distraction. When the spunk gargle wee wee starts to spread to other genres there is a problem. Resident Evil invented the survival horror genre. The series came and went from relevance, peaking with Code Veronica. Capcom then successfully resurrected the series with Resident Evil 4 and RE:make, two of the best third part titles on the GameCube. This resurgence was also a high point, with 5 being 'pretty good for a game long escort mission' and 6 forgetting that it is a Resident Evil game.

Resident Evil 6 starts, I repeat, starts, with a quick time event. Literally press X not to die. If this were a linear action game and I was pressing X to get on the roller coaster I would not mind. But this is not spunk gargle wee wee, it is Resident Evil. I expect cheap jump scares accompanied by silly puzzles with items that I need to combine in nonsensical ways. Nope, this Resident Evil is, so far, an action game. It is an action game hampered with ridiculous controls more in tune with what Resident Evil is supposed to be. If you want to throw a grenade you have to manually select the grenade with the d-pad, aim, then throw. This barely works against one zombie. Pulling it off while being dog piled by a dozen is a great way to blow off you own legs. The herbs from all the previous games are back but they must be manually mixed and then loaded into the magical herb dispensing Tic-Tac box, which again can't be done reliably during combat.

To be crude, playing Resident Evil 6 is like masturbating with with your off hand.

...that may be the worst thing I have ever written. I like it.

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