Friday, April 12, 2013

Demo Friday: Mad, mad engrish

Two weeks worth!

The most dangerous game?
Actually, yes, BattleBlock Theatre does take many queues from The Most Dangerous game. It may be a direct rip off but I gave up on the intro about half way through and skipped it. It was funny, then it stopped being funny, then I was embarrassed for it and had to look away. To sum up what I know: a wealthy benefactor throws a wild party on his boat. The boat crashed on an island and everyone onboard is captured and put through a series of trials. The story is just an excuse for a room based puzzle platformer drenched in the best kind of humor: sick.

I seem to have pulled this comparison out a lot lately, but it reminds me of 'Splosion Man. Small levels filled with one hit deaths but a respawn so quick that dying is not a chore. What BattleBlock Theatre gets right that other games like it have gotten wrong is not piling too many weird mechanics on the player all at once. What the player can do is pretty straight forward, it is the levels themselves that keep it interesting. One minute the player is bounced off of red hot coals trying to avoid being impaled on the ceiling and the next he has been ingested and shat out a monster. Intentionally. Without dying.

The Behemoth  may not be very prolific but what little they produce is both charming and just plain wrong. It is also more playable than most everything else out on XBLA. There is a reason that Castle Crashers is still at or near the top of all time downloads. It starts out fun, either by yourself or with others, and it never stops being fun.

What am I? WHEN AM I?!
Double Dragon II: Wander of the Dragons. Even the title doesn't make any sense. This game is an '80's refugee, but not the good kind of refugee that you on through rose colored glasses and call 'quaint' and 'old school.' This is the refugee that has been hiding in a poorly ventilated bomb shelter for the last twenty odd years who is neither 'quaint' nor 'old school,' he's just awful.

Wander of the Dragons may be one of the worst games I have ever played. The only appropriate reaction to being exposed to it was to laugh out loud and then go take a shower. Everything is bad. It looks like a PS1 game run through the smoothing filter on a PS2. Its music consists of 8 bars repeated over and over and over. There is a blocking gauge for both the player characters and bosses, only it doesn't actually allow the player to block most attacks and it must be drained before a boss can be damaged but it refills faster than the player can do damage. The only way I was able to actually hurt the boss in the demo was to die and use the resurrection area attack. I literally killed him by killing myself.

To top it off, here is the original game description (which has since been replaced):

This is a remake "Double Dragon II" a 80's game. The story line takes same as original game story. However, the graphic, character, action, system etc. are change. Also we are including new stage and enemy in the game. The player will be addicted to new version of Double Dragon II. Also, characters are undressed from 80's style, and recreated with modern sexy and beautiful style that amaze you and feel never been experience world before.

Don't believe me?



Going to use a video for the next one:

That actually doesn't look that bad. What you can't tell from the video is how the game feels. Racing games, good or bad, simulation or arcade, need to feel good. It needs to feel like your car is actually interacting with a physical surface. Burnout feels different that Forza which feels different than Gran Turismo, but they are all good. Motocross Madness doesn't feel like a racing game. It doesn't feel like your avatar is actually in contact with a motorcycle that is in turn in contact with the ground. You slide around corners, do tricks, crash, get up and then do it all again, all while your rag doll avatar gets abused by the games physics. 

Motocross Madness would work if it was free to play like Happy Wars was. There is a ton of content that I might explore, but only if I didn't have to pay for it. It's hilariously bad like Double Dragon II, it's just boring. I can't even laugh at it because it is my avatar up there being made to look foolish and my avatar deserves better than that.

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