Friday, February 24, 2017

I don't think it means what they think it means

Time to play the 'what parts of the plot do I remember from modern Final Fantasy game'? Modern because I am a JRPG fraud that started with Final Fantasy VII. No cheating! This is strictly from memory.

Final Fantasy VII

Spikey haired, comically oversized sword wielding Cloud witnesses the murder of the girl he may or may not like by spikey haired, comically oversized sword wielding Sephiroth. Cloud and his merry band chase Sephiroth for three discs. There is crossdressing, a swim in the life stream, a big fight between the two and Cloud wins. And Aeris stays dead.

Final Fantasy Tactics

Um. Politics or something? Fuck, this game was hard.

Final Fantasy VIII

Squall and his friends leave college to fight Ultimecia who, they find out later, ran the orphanage where they all met when they were little kids. Somehow they end up in space where Rinoa, the girl that Squall may or may not like, almost dies. The second half of the game may all be a dream as Squall takes a giant icicle to the chest that should have killed him. Either way, there is a big fight and Squall wins.

Final Fantasy IX

Giant headed princess flees her kingdom with Zidane, a scoundrel with a tail, changes her name to Dagger and chops her hair short. They team up with Reinhardt, the comic relief, and Vivi, the coolest black mage ever, and fight fate. Literally. The final boss was fate. They win, Dagger returns to her kingdom and Zidane show up out of nowhere and professes his love: 'Bring back my Dagger to me!'

Final Fantasy X

Yuna falls in love with Tidus, the boy who isn't there. Things get complicated: Yuna is supposed to sacrifice herself for the good of the world, Tidus' father, Jecht, is now an island sized monster, and everyone is obsessed with underwater soccer. There are touching moments, bad voice acting, and Tidus evaporates in Yuna's arms.

Final Fantasy X-2

Yuna is back with Rikku, the most annoying character in the entire Final Fantasy universe, and Payne, my waifu. They go on a dress up tour to get their collectives grooves back and, in the ending that matters, Yuna gets over the imaginary Tidus and moves on with her life. Real talk: I loved this game. Fuck the haters.

Final Fantasy XII

Um, super tall bunny lady? Vagrant Story inspired art? Combat that plays itself? I swear, I finished the game, but I cannot remember anything about it.

Final Fantasy XIII

After a twenty hour tutorial in which Lightning and friends are cursed and try to rescue her sister who has been turned into a crystal there are twenty or so hours of open world adventure that are better than anything the most current game has to offer. I have no idea who the final battle was with. L'Cie, cieth, something like that. Regardless, Lightning is cool and there is a character who has a chocobo chick living in his afro.

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Take away the best part of XIII, Lightning, and what is left? A bizarre time travel laden game starring Lightning's sister that is entirely forgettable. I am ashamed that I remember more of this than I do of XII.

Final Fantasy XIII-3

Okay, I am a Lightning fan, so getting a game all about her as a guardian of all reality was a good time. Hope coming back as either God or a mouthpiece for the almighty I could have done without. The entire game being on a timer was more annoying than anything else. It did not create the sense of urgency that I think it was going for. Honestly, this is the least Final Fantasy game on the list, but still better that XIII-2.

World of Final Fantasy

Pokemon with Final Fantasy mobs, some which you can ride and others that you can wear as hats. Cute, but fun. Imagine Kingdom Hearts without the Disney parts.

and finally

Final Fantasy XV

A black clad boy band is sent on a road trip by the prince's loving father. This is done just to keep the prince out of town and safe when the bad guys show up, wreck the place and kill the king. Much happens to the boy band, none of which is explained, and they are content to cruise around in their bourgeois car, running errands far beneath their royal standing.


It's been heading downhill for a bit, hasn't it? I really do feel bad about remembering almost nothing of XII. And there are undoubtedly mistakes there. Give me a break, I'm old.

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