Monday, February 27, 2017

The rocket sled to hell

Open spoilers for Final Fantasy XV incoming because fuck this game.

I can best describe playing the first thirty or so hours of Final Fantasy XV as going through the RPG motions. There were copious side quests, some interesting, most not, and I did them all because that is how one plays an RPG when one wants to be appropriately (or better than appropriately) leveled. I knew that getting on the boat to finally meet up with Noctis' betrothed marked the end of the open world part of the game so I did everything I could to clean up the quests list.

Then I attempted Costlemark Tower. Fuck Costlemark Tower.

According to the quest description I should have been powerful enough. Based on that and a spoiler I (inadvertently) saw I ate an expensive meal that prevented all environmental damage and set off. It was a boring looking dungeon, one that felt more like post game content than something normal people are expected to play. I was also hemorrhaging healing items, items that I had been hoarding for the final boss of the game.

This was before I hit the iron giant who was nearly immune to all attacks. He went down, eventually, and I was sent back a floor and went through it again, this time again two iron giants. They went down, too, at the cost of most of my shit, so I decided that I no longer cared and looked up what was next.

Three iron and giants and some other beastie followed by the actual boss. This was a post game dungeon that hand slunk its way into the main game, so fuck it, I left. Then I got on the boat and started the rest of the game.

Things did not improve.

First I spent about half an hour wandering through Altissa before I figured out that I had to jump on a gondola to get to where I needed to go. Then I suffered through a terrible boss battle with leviathan, the first part of which left me feeling ineffectual and confused and the second like I was watching the worst parts of the third Matrix movie minus flying Keanu-Jesus.

And then, and I did warn you about spoilers:

Luna, the oracle to Noct's kingliness, gets Aeris'd right in the back and dies. It was meaningless because the player has been given no reason to care about Luna. There is no evidence of a relationship between Noct and Luna aside from one line messages sent via magic doggy express. It is as if the game's version of true love was based on passing folded paper messages between desks in third grade.

Noct is unconscious for days, Gladio turns into an insufferable dick head and the one boy band member who was at least tolerable, Ignis, is blinded off screen. Noct wakes up and Ignis has scars on his eyes. Doing harm to a supposedly important character off screen is bad enough but his blindness affects the gameplay. Noct drags his blind ass on the next mission, one whose point I either missed or was never explained, and has to walk slowing through whole thing because Ignis is blind and probably shouldn't be tromping through a god damn swamp in the first place.


I have completely lost the plot and do not care enough to try to get it back. Noct was just tricked into kicking Prompto off of a moving train and my first thought was good, fuck him. The game will be finished but now it is only spite that drives me. I have a deep desire to be mean to this game.

Here's a start: Final Fantasy XII-2 was better.

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