Monday, March 27, 2017

If Gravity Rush 2 were a woman

You and your mates are at the bar. It's been a long evening and the lot of you are about to find a way home when someone new and quite unexpected walks in the front door. Her arrival turns heads in a ripple, and while conversation doesn't stop the volume drops to a murmur, a murmur about that dress. A few seconds later most have returned their attention to their drinks or apologizing to their dates but you, well, you got caught.

Your eyes meet. Instead of a disgusted look you get a cheerful, friendly, sincere hello. She actually waves at you from across the bar. Your friends, and you know they are your friends because of this, quickly leave and wish you good luck.

The girl in the red dress takes a step towards your table and immediately trips over her high heels. This sends her flailing into the row of occupied stools at the bar, each one knocking down the next, until over a dozen men are on the ground, covered in broken glass and spilled beer. The girl never catches herself, manages to slip on the beer and crash headlong at your feet, sending several chairs reeling back towards the bar, crushing the few who were still moving.

But that dress.

She picks herself up, somehow clean in spite of the fall, and sits at the table. You quickly forget her clumsy entrance as introductions are made. Being a gentleman you offer to buy her a drink and then tip the bartender handsomely as he had to put down the phone to help you. Later you would learn he was calling an ambulance.

The girl admits to not really being a drinker as she sips on her soda. That dress. Those eyes. That... burp?

'Excuse me,' she giggles. It was cute until the smell arrives, the smell of the Cheerios she had for breakfast mixed with Coke and digestive juices. You almost gag, cough unto your hand, then look back and she is back to being the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.

'Okay, everybody out, the paramedics need space to work and I need to mop up all this blood.'

The girl in the dress apologizes to those maimed by her fall. They seem to accept it in spite of compound fractures and blood loss. She offers you a ride home and being no fool your accept. Her car looks almost as good as she does and, in another moment of distraction, you forget to buckle up.

She laughs, pulls forward, rear ending the ambulance. Her airbag goes off and somehow doesn't smudge her make up while you sail through the windshield, headlong into a tree, breaking your neck and rendering your paralyzed for the remainder or your days.

...

I hate this game. Loath it. I am going to finish it out of spite and say mean things about it for as long as I can manage. Having charm does not fix everything else. Kat has charm but she also handles like a semi falling off a bridge and fights like a blind woman who learned kung fu via braille instruction.

2 comments:

  1. This is the purest negative hyperbole! Lies! Falsehoods! Libel and slander!

    Gravity Rush 2 is fun on a bun and this author - a sentient gushing font of venomous bile - would, upon winning a date with Marilyn Monroe, spend the entire evening waxing disgust about a mole the rest of mankind had identified as a beauty mark!

    Boooo! Hissss! Chamberlain baaad! Chamberlain baaad! Gravity Rush 2 goood!

    The stealth sections do super-suck, though. That's nonpartisan truth.

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  2. This is why angry reviews are the best reviews. That was poetry. XD

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