Monday, March 26, 2018

I played Metal Survive for 60 minutes, only 30 of which I was awake



(The follow up meeting to Metal Gear 5)

Konami CEO Hideki Hayawaka - You see?! I told you we could still make money without Kojima. What does he know about game development anyway. We saved money by firing David Hayter and paying that Keifer Sutherland fellow in massage vouchers and pachinko credits. We saved even more by burying Kojima in lawyers. That's game development.

Salary Man #1 - Of course, sir. It was a wonderful plan.

Salary Man #2 - If I may ask, sir, what is your plan for the Metal Gear license?

Hayawaka - Didn't I just say pachinko?

Salary Man #1 - Of course, sir. That is a wonderful plan.

Salary Man #2 - But sir, no one in the west has any idea what pachinko is. By not making another Metal Gear game you are leaving a lot of money on the table.

Hayawaka - Well, where else would you have me leave it? The money keeps the cocaine from staining the teak tabletop.

Salary Man #2 - I meant for the company, sir.

Hayawaka - I see. I suppose keeping the Metal Gear name in front of more people than just pachinko addicts is not a bad idea. Do we still own the engine and art assets from Metal Gear 5.

Salary Man #2 - Yes.

Hayawaka - And the people who worked on it are still employed?

Salary Man #2 - Yes.

Hayawaka - Fire them all.

Salary Man #2 - What?!

Salary Man #1 - Of course, sir. That is a wonderful plan.

Hayawaka - I want no trace of that filthy Kojima on the game. We removed his name from Metal Gear 5 but his stink of quality was still on it. The game was still mostly good. That will not do. In fact, I want you to hire developers who have never actually played a video game before. This is going to be a game by only the strictest definition.

Salary Man #2 - Um, sir, what kind of game should this be?

Hayawaka - What is the least enjoyable genre we could use?

Salary Man #2 - Survival base building?

Hayawaka - Exactly. Just make sure to include overly long, poorly thought out cut scenes. This is a Metal Gear game, after all.

Salary Man #2 - What should we call it?

Hayawaka - Didn't I just say Survive?

Salary Man #1 - Of course, sir. That is a wonderful plan.

Hayawaka - Next issue: you have heard of microtransactions, yes?

Salary Man #2 - I have.

Hayawka - Why micro and not macro?

Salary Man #1 - Of course, sir. That is a wonderful plan.

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