Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Force fears

I am afraid of the new Star Wars movie.

All of the reviews, even by gigantic nerds, have be reasonably positive. The only really terrible review I have seen was by the Vatican's paper and I am not catholic so I don't need to adhere to their sacraments.

The reason for this fear is two fold. First, the re-releases of the original trilogy and the prequels are all terrible. Full stop. They have no redeeming features and yet they have tainted my enjoyment of the real movies. Over the course of the week I have watched A New Hope and Empire on VHS. 480i, stereo pan and scan as the good Lord intended. I have seen each of the prequels only once and my limited memory of their nonsense still manages to intrude on what should be a sublime experience.

For example: C-3PO should know who Luke is or at the very least who is father is (that have the same last name!), unless he is a huge liar or had his memory erased. So should R2. It's a fucking rabbit hole of bull shit.

The re-releases of the real movies are just as bad. There is a rhythm to the movies, one ingrained in my memory from childhood. All the added scenes or lines or attempts at de-bad-assing Solo run against this rhythm and just feel wrong. Han didn't just shoot first, Greedo never shot at all! Solo killed him in cold blood and then tipped the bartender! Why would you ever change that?!

Second, I do not trust Abrams as a director. He took Star Trek from me. I made it about twenty minutes into the reboot before shutting it off and drinking heavily. I don't know what the hell that was but it wasn't Star Trek. For that reason I refused to see Into Darkness and will likewise avoid the new Fast and Furious themed third movie (though Abrams is not responsible for that one).

Lucas couldn't get it right again. Why should I believe that anyone else will?

Popular opinion has already sided against me, calling it a worthy successor. Successor to what, exactly? It cannot possible reach my expectations, expectations put into place during my formative years, when Star Wars was ingrained into my very personality and thought processes. When I watch the movies now, in the grainy glory of a fast deteriorating videocassette, I see them as the boy who first saw them, not the cranky hermit I have become. How can anything be a successor to that?


  1. It kinda condenses the entire OT into a syphilitic fever dream.

    But it's a really fun dream with surprisingly game actors. Just don't over think anything that happens. Anything.

  2. Yeah, dude, it's a fun time. Don't overhype it, and don't think you're the only one thinking "this is just A New Hope: With A Twist!"