Friday, September 6, 2019

42?!

I started this blog around nine years ago for two reasons. First, my review writing 'gigs' (in quotes because they were unpaid) dried up, one because the site shut down and the other because I wrote several shitty reviews in a row. And second, I was no longer working at Gamestop so I needed a way to talk about videogames.

Well, and third, because I really like to make lists.

Reviews were written for a while, and then stopped, and the blog slowly degenerated into an old man yelling at digital clouds. And then I ran into Chance again, we wrote a few things together, which turned into our podcast. And then Alex joined, and things were good for quite some time.

Things are still good. It is me who isn't, and I am not sure why. I am still searching for something. My jealousy of the lucky and talented few who make a living talking or writing about games is telling, but my hesitance to even make an attempt at something as simple as streaming is damning. There are multiple excuses, from not having the time to not wanting to sacrifice my enjoyment of a game just to stream it to others.

Come to think of it, those are both pretty good excuses.

Perhaps playing the part of the angry old man has slowly changed to actually being the angry old man and I want to turn it off. Maybe I am just tired of working for a living in a job that pays but offers no fulfillment. I do know for sure that I miss having a store that sold games that I could call my own. Not the hours or the low pay or hating the holidays, mind you, just being in, with and under games all day, every day.

Inspiration. That is what I need. Something to light a fire and kick me in the ass. But that does not come often, or easy, and is difficult to recognize when it arrives. Last week I thought I had something: a new blog, a fresh slate. I even had a name - Middle Aged Spread Gun. But then I took a look at other website building sites, got discouraged, and let it go, because no one reads blogs anymore. It would be effort placed into a void.

My list of accomplishments is more a list of opportunities passed than anything else. I could have been a music teacher but I did not like children, didn't want to work that hard, and wasn't that great of a musician in the first place. I could have moved into middle management at Gamestop but I didn't want to relocate. I could have been a systems administrator as a good sized law firm in a middle sized city but I could not handle the stress. More recently, I could have gotten in vocal work but I decided that I did not trust the people who told me I was doing well.

Jack of all trades, none of which I enjoy. Middle aged, middle class white guy with a nice house, a wife and family he does not deserve, no debt, a new truck and a hole in his chest that he does not know how to fill.

This is all a little dramatic for a blog ostensibly about video games of sometimes questionable quality. Which brings me to my point: this is the end of Infinite Backlog. This has tuned into a very negative place and I can no longer sustain it. It was always written by me, for me, and any audience was a welcome bonus, but me no longer wants produce for me.

I want more and I am not going to find it here.

This does not mean that you are rid of me, oh cold and unfeeling internet. I will continue to record a weekly conversation with friends and put it out there for as long as those friends will have me.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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